Reflections on Loss
It seems here lately all I've been doing is talking about my deceased wife. It makes me feel like I'm putting my troubles out for the world to see. I'm really a very private person, except for my poetry. Sometimes I think I'm being a burden and everyone gets tired of hearing the same thing all the time. I know that isn't true. I have trouble pushing those kinds of thoughts out of my mind. I haven't really told anyone how deep the hurt goes in my mind and heart. I feel I have this huge hole in my heart that I can't get filled. I fill it some with God and Jesus but I still feel so empty even though I have God and Jesus in my heart. The one thing I miss so much is I haven't a person to share my life. I praise God for being in and sharing my life, but, to me, it is so much more than that.
I continue this path even when it seems impossible to take another step. I plod onward expecting the best. My pain and loneliness keeps rising slowly, sometimes rapidly toward the surface of my being. It takes all I have to keep everything from boiling over. I'm praying God sends me the relief He knows I am desperate for. God knows my heart. He always has.
It wasn't until my wife, Faye, was gone that I came to realize how much a part of my life she was. She lives on in my heart and she will always be there. You would think I could control my feelings, but I had kept all my love and emotion bottled within. Then like an opened, shaken soda, a mass of feelings and love and hurt come gushing out all over the place. I'm learning it is far better to release these views on a more regular basis. The way I'm thinking, it seems to be a better idea to have a bunch of minor eruptions instead of one major explosion of my frame of mind.
In the recent past, my tears have been like a steady rain with bursts of hurricane strength. The main theme I seem to have developed is I know I should fully commit to God, but I want to cling to the beliefs of my past. I realize that there will be a time when the feelings, emotions and thoughts will bear little pain. I want that to happen now, but I should wait for God's time. With that said, I'm ready to attempt to focus on my duties as a responsible Christian and begin helping others to reduce my sorrow. In the final analysis, that is the choice God wants me to take. By helping and assisting others, I am helping myself.
I have so much love to give and share; I look forward to the day when that special someone comes sauntering into my life. Maybe it will be tomorrow. Only God knows for sure. I must learn and continue to learn that I should lean more heavily on Him, than I have in recent weeks. To that end, I am committing myself whole-heartedly to my mission as a servant for World Prayr Ministries. I can think of no better solution. Right now, I begin the rest of my life.
September 3, 2010